What's For Dinner: One Pot Mac N Cheese With Mix Ins

It's nothing revolutionary. But, I'm battling falling onto a deep depression and anything I can do to keep my family going and my feet moving forward is a win for me. Dinner- One box of Kraft Mac and Cheese .69 Two cups of fresh brocolli .33 Half a box of Morning Star "meat"balls 1.25 A third of a fresh tomato- diced .20 Margarine and skim milk .35 Total- $1.82 I also made a sort of bread pudding from free farm eggs, old bread, pretzels and cookies.

Exhausted, Sad and Lost is No Way To Go Through Life Son

Mom passed early this morning. I feel very strange and exhausted.

Her last few days were awful. I am relieved that it's over. But, now the hard part of learning how to live without my Mom or any parents for that matter is scary. A strange part of me feels like now that we've gone through this awfulness my Mom can come back and be whole again. Like when you do a hard chore and get to reap the benefits. But sometimes things are just awful and they stay awful. Oh, I know she's looking down on me from heaven and is at peace but its not the same as having her here.

Learning how to live without my Mom is going to be a daily challenge. And I am just so tired right now.

In The Middle Of The Long Goodbye

Mom is rapidly nearing the end. I have brought her to my house for hospice care. I am holding it together so well that I fear I may seem uncaring. Instead I think the Lord has blessed me with the strength and grace I have so desperately prayed for. I do worry about how this will affect.my children. We are trying to keep everything as normal for them as we can. In some ways I think it is more natural to die at home instead of a hospital. Death is a natural part of life and
we all must go through it.

No Way Out

I am in a bit of a depression. I have been since my Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer last June.
She has spent all but 15 days of this year in a hospital and has endured two major surgeries. And she still has cancer.
Her Dr. told her that there is nothing else they can do for her.
I think she goes home today.
I feel like I am about to get on a terrifying ride and there is no way out of it. I know most people love their mothers but my Mom and I are very close. She is like my best friend. I think my brothers feel the same way about her. I may not have had a perfect childhood but God blessed me with an incredible mom. I am not ready to say Goodbye.

When Life Gives Me Lemons I Should Not

Shop online for stuff we don't really need. Even if I have a coupon. Even if I love getting boxes of goodies on my porch.

Eat fast food for lunch every other day. Even if I don't feel like cooking.

Surf petfinder looking for super cute adoptable dogs. Even if they need homes.

Stop seeing and talking to people. Even if it's hard to put on a smile.

Be Gone Foul Clutter

Life is still crazy. My Mom is still in the hospital. It's been over a month now.
And I have no idea if/when she will be well enough to go home.

Both of the kids have birthdays to celebrate in the next week.
And I'm in charge of a sleepover, making Angry Bird cupcakes, and a huge bouncing party.

And my Husband has been/is traveling a lot.

I'm at my non-pregnant heaviest and I feel not so great.

But, I did get rid of a bag of clothes from my closet.
I finally don't have to scrounge for hangers. That and my kids playing nicely together is the best part of my day.

I think this might be the longest I've gone without blogging.

Blog ennui has set in. I just have nothing interesting to share. Or anyway, nothing that I have actual time to sit down and blog about. Life has been busy. My Mom has been very sick. I have been very preoccupied.

I have been:

Traveling quite a bit to my hometown to visit my Mom in the hospital. She's been there for about a month and endured two major surgeries. She still has to heal and then she will have to endure more chemotherapy. She is not doing well and I am trying not to dwell on the negative. Nobody but God knows that will unfold but I can't help but think about the likely possibility of being without parents and grandparents. Without my Mom here I seriously worry about what will become of my family. She is our glue.

Cleaning the house. Just about daily. It's to a level of cleanliness where we are regularly hosting play dates. I will never have a magazine spread beautiful house. And there are still piles of things that I have to deal with. But, I'm getting there slowly. If only I could train the dog not to shed and the cats not to vomit.

Planning birthday parties. Every year I say we aren't having big birthday parties and every year I have them anyway. I am a big softie for my kids. Right now we can afford their birthday craziness. My big problem will be what to do with all the new presents they bring home. We donated a bunch of new birthday gifts that we rediscovered in the basement a few months ago. Toys 4 Tots benefited from our forgetfulness. Perhaps we could do that again.

Decorating my daughter's room. This is so not my forte. But, she wants to transition from a little girl's room to a big girl's room so out goes anything too girly or babyish. Goodbye pastel butterflies, flowers, and Ariel. Hello to the color red and zebra print. I'm not repainting her room. I just can't handle that right now. But, I redid a framed picture of Ariel with black and white scrapbook paper, rose appliques and her initials in red. It looks great. I also bought a red valance at Goodwill and hot glued zebra print ribbon to the bottom of it. She already has a red comforter but I found a new red and white flowered sham for $2.99 at a discount store. I still need to redo the seat of her desk chair with some sturdy zebra fabric. I also bought her some dry erase wall pops. She wants a bunk bed set too but it might take a while for us to shop around for a good quality one. I refuse to buy anything made of pressed wood or particle board anymore.

Celebrating our 15th anniversary. My in-laws stayed with the kids while we went to a hotel for a night away. We also took the kids out for a nice dinner. My husband has been my rock while I deal with my Mom's illness. I am so lucky to have him.

And that about sums up everything that's been going on.