My life is on fire & other news

Until further notice, my children and dog will be staying with my in-laws in another state. I am missing them terribly. But, I'm on the road to see my Mom so much that it just makes sense.
The final diagnosis is Stage 4 colon cancer. Standard medical practice would be to dope my Mom up with chemo in hopes of prolonging her life for a few months. We want something better than that so we're going to an alternative cancer treatment clinic sometime soon. My hopes are high but I feel so pulled in every direction. I'm alternating between feeling glad I don't have a job so I can be with her when she needs me and feeling highly put upon because everyone assumes because I don't have a paying job that I don't actually have anything else going on in my life. And also again? I really miss my kids.

I had the morning free so I ran to a few garage sales by myself. The sun was shining and it was wonderful to forget all the bad stuff for an hour or two. I stocked up on Polly Pockets and little toys to surprise my kids with when they come home again. Plus, I filled a trash bag with kids clothes for five dollars. Now I've got to go shovel out my daughter's room and maybe get rid of some of her stuff before I put in the new. I've also got to inventory and see what I need to get for back to school time while I have the chance.

Where I Quit Bothering With Bothering

Showering, paying serious attention to housework, doing any major parenting jobs.... pfflllllptttt.

I am in a small pit. Not really despairing. Mostly trying not to think about stuff by not doing stuff.

Any minute now I will jump off of this couch and start a load of laundry and make food for the kids. Any minute now.

If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Brother

I went to Mom's last Thursday to take her to her Dr. appointments. The doctor who did her surgery didn't seem to register her complaint about bad pain in her shoulder. On Friday we saw the oncologist. She didn't have good news for us. We're being referred to another oncologist in St. Louis. That will be easier for me since I won't have to travel so much though. But, the oncologist did take Mom's shoulder pain seriously and had her scanned in the office. Long story short, my Mom is in the hospital for a few more days getting doses of antibiotics to kill the abscesses that came from her surgery. Those abscesses could have killed her and I'm so glad that at least one of the doctor's was paying attention.

I'm home again with the kiddos for a few days. I hated to leave Mom in the hospital but I really needed to come home for a few days before I go back again. My kid need some normalcy and I can't do anything for her in the hospital. Plus, I cannot stand being at my Mom's house when she's not there. I love my brothers dearly but for all intents and purposes they live with my Mom (they have their own houses, don't ask). And one of my brothers is a huge slob with two nasty little dogs that literally urinate all over my Mom's house. He takes them on the road with him when he's he's got a load to haul but I just did not want to stay there with my kids in that mess. I love him but I got enough of cleaning up after him when I lived at home. I got my Mom's bedroom ready and all her clothes washed and put away for when she comes home.

Also, understandably my Mother's outlook on life has turned more than a little sour. But, she's so angry and snappish that I almost don't recognize her. I love her but it's hard for me to be around her for long stretches of time because she's so hateful. She apologizes afterwards but I keep wondering where my sweet Mom went. I feel like I've already lost her.

That's enough for today.

Keep Calm And Carry On

I'm not going to lie and say there weren't a few days last week that I wasn't a complete mess. Plus, I had a horrible cold and couldn't go see my Mom in the hospital for fear of making her even sicker. I spent too much money on FTD and sent her flowers/food since I couldn't visit. She's home now. (FTD btw has lousy service. I will go local next time.)

Hubby worked from home with the kiddos here so I could go by myself to see her on Monday. We worked a little on cleaning up some clutter in her room. She's wanting to declutter now if case the worst case scenario happens and my brothers and I are left me with a whole house to clean up. I took two bags of clothes to the Goodwill. The kids and I are going to stay with her soon and do some more work. We find out on Friday what her prognosis and possible treatment plan will be.
I'm praying for the best possible outcome but she's already assumed she's dying. This isn't her first bout with cancer as she was a DES baby and went thru radiation when I was two. I'm struggling with the idea of being an orphan even though I'm 38. Maybe it would be easier if I weren't so close to my Mom. Also, I worry about how my two older brothers will take her death. Neither one have families of their own.
Anyway, life has been full of stress here. Hubby's work travel just picked up quite a bit so I can only lean on him so much for support.
I can't say I've been doing much in the way of frugality. I just don't care right now. The kids and I are happy to spend our days vegging around the house and doing bit of work here and there. They've been really good kids lately and have been really great to be around.
I took this picture this morning as they did their worksheets. I only make them do about 45 minutes worth of work every morning so they haven't been too whiny. I love hearing their little pencils scratch across the page.

I've decided that worrying about what's going to happen is pointless. I need to worry about what's going on today and take of care what needs to be taken care of right now. It's all out of my control anyway. So, I'll make my kids some cookies and I'll check out that book that I've been wanting to read from the library. God knows what's going on and has a plan for us. I've got to surrender.

Maybe if I whisper it, it won't be true

my mom has cancer.