Sunday, May 13, 2012

On The Move

Hubby starts a new job tomorrow that includes an hour long commute each way. I'll be the first person to admit that I am not great at being a single parent. And my children definitely benefit from having their Dad be an active participant in their everyday lives. So, we're thinking about moving. We found a house we like. And we'll probably make an offer in a few days. For me, moving is up there with having ten pound triplets via natural childbirth or having millions of toothpicks jammed under my toenails while juggling razor blades and being forced to listen to James Taylor. The last time we moved I became so depressed I was near suicidal. I'm terrified of that happening again. So yeah, not a fan of the moving. The one person who I really need to talk to is my Mom. I spent Mother's Day cleaning out my Mom's closet and dressers for Goodwill and placing my stillborn son's ashes by my parent's headstone. I guess today was as good a day as any for it. Mother's Day was going to stink this year anyway. Yeah, I'm being maudlin. But, I'm trying damn hard to make sense of the mess that has landed in front of me. I'm still finding a reason to smile everyday. I'm still trying to make everything work. Because I can't just lay down and die. But, I'm angry that life is so hard right now. I'm angry that I still have to put one foot in front of the other when inside I'm screaming. I'm angry that no one seems to know how driftless I feel without parents. How close to my own mortality I feel with no one else standing in the death line in front of me. I'm it. I'm the only parent I have left. I choose to keep going on because I have a family of my own who needs me. But, damned if I'm not completely angry right now about how much all of this sucks. I still count my blessings. I still know that so much else could be going wrong in our lives right now. My children could be sick. We could be facing foreclosure or unemployment. We could be going to bed hungry every night. I know I am blessed. I just miss my Mom. Everything is changing and I can't find my balance on the shifting sand. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

1 comment:

lizzie said...

Sorry you are feeling so down - this will pass but you have to grieve first. Dont be too hard on yourself.
Do you have any other close relatives/siblings you could talk to ?