Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Leave a Message at the Beep.

Wow have I been preoccupied. You should see my answering machine messages- 24 blinking messages. Don't worry though, I scanned to see if anything was important.

I'm at a crossroads here and something has gotta change soon. My youngest will be in Kindergarten in the fall and it has me realigning my whole perspective on what my role is/should be now.
And I'm torn with thoughts of wondering whether it has been worth it to be out of the work force for ten years so my kids wouldn't be in day care. I'm nervous at the idea of trying to find another job with a serious time lapse in my resume. Who am I and what am I good for? Should I go back to school? Should I stay home because we can afford it? How come I'm really starting to hate my house and want to move?

When I went away to college at 18 I thought I was going to be a poet. I don't remember the last poem I wrote. I don't even know if I like poetry anymore. It seems frivolous when I'm thinking about the load of laundry in the dryer, the weeds in the garden, the stains on the carpet, when I have to pick up kids from school, and when our next dentist appointment will be. Nothing in my life seems poetic anymore. Who wants to read a poem about matching socks together or scrubbing out the sticky stuff from the sink?

I am blessed beyond measure and reason and yet when I think of that hopeful, shiny faced teenager that I was, I wonder how proud I would be of whom I've become.
This is a small part of the inner turmoil that's been going on in there.


jonceramic said...

Let's have our wonderful midlife crisis together, baby. I love you. :) *kiss*

Andrea said...

Your teenage self would not recognize what you've done for your family (not that an 18 year old needs to know the importance of spending time with your kids--or at least shouldn't have to).

What a gift you've got to know you don't know what you want just yet. Take the time, figure out where you think you might want this next chapter to take you...if it is being home, great...back to school, great....back to work, great...life is open to you so enjoy the long slow ride to get there!

Be well...

Heather said...

Jenny, I think you should never regret what you've done for your children. Being with them during these formative years is the best gift you could have given them, and everything will work out just fine in the end. It might take some time to figure out the next step, but you'll get there!