Stress is the Visitor Who Won't Leave

We closed on our new house yesterday.  I woke up with dread thinking about how I now have two mortgages.  Yes, I know we need to get our house on the market like yesterday. 
We planned the slow move on purpose but, it still makes me itchy. 

Hubby's Grandma passed yesterday.  She was a sweet lady.  She was always thinking of others before she thought of herself.  I'm glad her pain is over but I feel so bad for my husband's family.  She was much beloved and will be missed.  

I've been trying to homeschool the kids for about an hour everyday to help get them ready for the next school year.  I worry that I am not doing it well.  I've been concentrating too much on one area of concern for each kid.  I need a better lesson plan.  I need to branch out.  And also, I wonder how I can fit more school time into our craziness when we're supposed to be moving- well, like right now.  I'm supposed to be packing the car.  And driving an hour to the new house.  With the kids in tow. 

I guess I should get started then.

On The Move

Hubby starts a new job tomorrow that includes an hour long commute each way. I'll be the first person to admit that I am not great at being a single parent. And my children definitely benefit from having their Dad be an active participant in their everyday lives. So, we're thinking about moving. We found a house we like. And we'll probably make an offer in a few days. For me, moving is up there with having ten pound triplets via natural childbirth or having millions of toothpicks jammed under my toenails while juggling razor blades and being forced to listen to James Taylor. The last time we moved I became so depressed I was near suicidal. I'm terrified of that happening again. So yeah, not a fan of the moving. The one person who I really need to talk to is my Mom. I spent Mother's Day cleaning out my Mom's closet and dressers for Goodwill and placing my stillborn son's ashes by my parent's headstone. I guess today was as good a day as any for it. Mother's Day was going to stink this year anyway. Yeah, I'm being maudlin. But, I'm trying damn hard to make sense of the mess that has landed in front of me. I'm still finding a reason to smile everyday. I'm still trying to make everything work. Because I can't just lay down and die. But, I'm angry that life is so hard right now. I'm angry that I still have to put one foot in front of the other when inside I'm screaming. I'm angry that no one seems to know how driftless I feel without parents. How close to my own mortality I feel with no one else standing in the death line in front of me. I'm it. I'm the only parent I have left. I choose to keep going on because I have a family of my own who needs me. But, damned if I'm not completely angry right now about how much all of this sucks. I still count my blessings. I still know that so much else could be going wrong in our lives right now. My children could be sick. We could be facing foreclosure or unemployment. We could be going to bed hungry every night. I know I am blessed. I just miss my Mom. Everything is changing and I can't find my balance on the shifting sand. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Exhausted, Sad and Lost is No Way To Go Through Life Son

Mom passed early this morning. I feel very strange and exhausted.

Her last few days were awful. I am relieved that it's over. But, now the hard part of learning how to live without my Mom or any parents for that matter is scary. A strange part of me feels like now that we've gone through this awfulness my Mom can come back and be whole again. Like when you do a hard chore and get to reap the benefits. But sometimes things are just awful and they stay awful. Oh, I know she's looking down on me from heaven and is at peace but its not the same as having her here.

Learning how to live without my Mom is going to be a daily challenge. And I am just so tired right now.

In The Middle Of The Long Goodbye

Mom is rapidly nearing the end. I have brought her to my house for hospice care. I am holding it together so well that I fear I may seem uncaring. Instead I think the Lord has blessed me with the strength and grace I have so desperately prayed for. I do worry about how this will affect.my children. We are trying to keep everything as normal for them as we can. In some ways I think it is more natural to die at home instead of a hospital. Death is a natural part of life and
we all must go through it.

No Way Out

I am in a bit of a depression. I have been since my Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer last June.
She has spent all but 15 days of this year in a hospital and has endured two major surgeries. And she still has cancer.
Her Dr. told her that there is nothing else they can do for her.
I think she goes home today.
I feel like I am about to get on a terrifying ride and there is no way out of it. I know most people love their mothers but my Mom and I are very close. She is like my best friend. I think my brothers feel the same way about her. I may not have had a perfect childhood but God blessed me with an incredible mom. I am not ready to say Goodbye.

I think this might be the longest I've gone without blogging.

Blog ennui has set in. I just have nothing interesting to share. Or anyway, nothing that I have actual time to sit down and blog about. Life has been busy. My Mom has been very sick. I have been very preoccupied.

I have been:

Traveling quite a bit to my hometown to visit my Mom in the hospital. She's been there for about a month and endured two major surgeries. She still has to heal and then she will have to endure more chemotherapy. She is not doing well and I am trying not to dwell on the negative. Nobody but God knows that will unfold but I can't help but think about the likely possibility of being without parents and grandparents. Without my Mom here I seriously worry about what will become of my family. She is our glue.

Cleaning the house. Just about daily. It's to a level of cleanliness where we are regularly hosting play dates. I will never have a magazine spread beautiful house. And there are still piles of things that I have to deal with. But, I'm getting there slowly. If only I could train the dog not to shed and the cats not to vomit.

Planning birthday parties. Every year I say we aren't having big birthday parties and every year I have them anyway. I am a big softie for my kids. Right now we can afford their birthday craziness. My big problem will be what to do with all the new presents they bring home. We donated a bunch of new birthday gifts that we rediscovered in the basement a few months ago. Toys 4 Tots benefited from our forgetfulness. Perhaps we could do that again.

Decorating my daughter's room. This is so not my forte. But, she wants to transition from a little girl's room to a big girl's room so out goes anything too girly or babyish. Goodbye pastel butterflies, flowers, and Ariel. Hello to the color red and zebra print. I'm not repainting her room. I just can't handle that right now. But, I redid a framed picture of Ariel with black and white scrapbook paper, rose appliques and her initials in red. It looks great. I also bought a red valance at Goodwill and hot glued zebra print ribbon to the bottom of it. She already has a red comforter but I found a new red and white flowered sham for $2.99 at a discount store. I still need to redo the seat of her desk chair with some sturdy zebra fabric. I also bought her some dry erase wall pops. She wants a bunk bed set too but it might take a while for us to shop around for a good quality one. I refuse to buy anything made of pressed wood or particle board anymore.

Celebrating our 15th anniversary. My in-laws stayed with the kids while we went to a hotel for a night away. We also took the kids out for a nice dinner. My husband has been my rock while I deal with my Mom's illness. I am so lucky to have him.

And that about sums up everything that's been going on.

Keep Calm And Carry On

I'm not going to lie and say there weren't a few days last week that I wasn't a complete mess. Plus, I had a horrible cold and couldn't go see my Mom in the hospital for fear of making her even sicker. I spent too much money on FTD and sent her flowers/food since I couldn't visit. She's home now. (FTD btw has lousy service. I will go local next time.)

Hubby worked from home with the kiddos here so I could go by myself to see her on Monday. We worked a little on cleaning up some clutter in her room. She's wanting to declutter now if case the worst case scenario happens and my brothers and I are left me with a whole house to clean up. I took two bags of clothes to the Goodwill. The kids and I are going to stay with her soon and do some more work. We find out on Friday what her prognosis and possible treatment plan will be.
I'm praying for the best possible outcome but she's already assumed she's dying. This isn't her first bout with cancer as she was a DES baby and went thru radiation when I was two. I'm struggling with the idea of being an orphan even though I'm 38. Maybe it would be easier if I weren't so close to my Mom. Also, I worry about how my two older brothers will take her death. Neither one have families of their own.
Anyway, life has been full of stress here. Hubby's work travel just picked up quite a bit so I can only lean on him so much for support.
I can't say I've been doing much in the way of frugality. I just don't care right now. The kids and I are happy to spend our days vegging around the house and doing bit of work here and there. They've been really good kids lately and have been really great to be around.
I took this picture this morning as they did their worksheets. I only make them do about 45 minutes worth of work every morning so they haven't been too whiny. I love hearing their little pencils scratch across the page.

I've decided that worrying about what's going to happen is pointless. I need to worry about what's going on today and take of care what needs to be taken care of right now. It's all out of my control anyway. So, I'll make my kids some cookies and I'll check out that book that I've been wanting to read from the library. God knows what's going on and has a plan for us. I've got to surrender.

Snow Day

A bit of a depression has landed on me since we finished the holidays. It's not unusual for me to feel a little let down after the first of the year. I start thinking about Christmas right after Thanksgiving and to have it end seemingly so soon with so little fanfare is a sadness to me. Also this was my first Christmas without my father and it was hard on my brothers and mom. I know how sick he was and I know he's in a better place now. But, Christmas was more emotional than I expected.
So, I've been dragging my feet about putting away our tree and decorations even though the boxes are in the way and the furniture should go back to it's normal placement. Today I have to clean off the mantle and I think we're nearly done.

The good news is that I get to keep my babies home with me today because it's a snow day. So far it's been a pretty quiet morning. I slept in a bit while they grabbed a snack from the fridge and played a card game. It's been a nice morning and now I have to make them some real food and get on with my day. I'm hoping for a great and productive day with my kiddos.

On a money goal note- we received a check for $26 from changing over our phone/internet provider and I'm adding that money to my pot.

Too Much in too short a time.

It really hits home to me whenever a loved one dies how short a time we have on this earth. I have found myself contemplating what's the meaning of all this pain and how it seems like we are just born to die. Fortunately I don't have a lot of time to ruminate on these melancholy thoughts. I have two birthday parties to throw, a funeral to attend, and a long car trip to plan.

I have discovered a profound distaste for the predatory nature and greed of the funeral home business. It is too late to undo what has been planned for my Dad but I know what I will not be doing when it the planning is up to me. I won't be buying a casket for 4 Grand when I can buy the same one online from Costco for 924.99 (this is the same one we bought for my Grandma from the overpriced funeral home). In fact I will do my best to skip using a funeral planning business at all costs. Grief is not a good reason to make stupid spending decisions and I don't believe you can't plan a nice funeral yourself.

My husband and I have also decided it was time to inter our baby boy's ashes after nine years of holding onto them, unsure of what to do. I priced the wooden urns at the funeral home and ending up buying a nicer one from a seller on ebay for half the price. He will be buried by my father in a few months and we'll pick a simple headstone.

So this is the month full of death and birthday celebrations. Life goes on even after death comes knocking. Today my precious daughter is 7 years old. Today my father is being cremated.
I've got to keep my feet moving forward.

No, I'm not okay.

We started a long weekend getaway in Austin, Texas on Thursday. Saturday morning at 7 am Hubby's phone rang and as soon as I heard my Mother's sad voice I knew my Dad was gone.

My Dad has been sick for the last decade- tuberculosis, seizures, kidney failure, heart problems, a stroke, etc. The man was ill for a long time. And very ill for the last few years. So, I can't say that his passing was a surprise to anyone although I didn't expect it would happen so quickly. Before I left on our little trip I even half jokingly asked my Mother to keep my Dad alive while we were gone. That goes on the list of things I wish I'd never said.

We left a day early from our trip and came home yesterday and I was on the road to my Mom's house less than an hour after getting home. Today I helped my Mom plan my Father's funeral.
No, I am not okay.

I will be the first to say that I did not have a perfect relationship with my Father. But, I have always been his little girl and a part of me still thinks of him as my Daddy. Even though I knew for a long time that this was inevitable it doesn't make it easier and it doesn't hurt less. The only thing I know for sure is that his suffering is finally over.

No, I'm not okay. But, I will be.

Pantry Fog & Pet Loss Grief

Monday I took my kitty to the vet for the last time and said goodbye. I'm still second guessing that decision and remembering the last few seconds of her life and watching the light go out of her scared eyes. It has not been a happy time here. I keep thinking I see her out of the corner of my eye. I had a dream about her last night and she was not the thin sick kitty she had become. She was the fat, spunky, silky fur ball from a few months ago. Some part of me thinks that I can fix my grief by immediately adopting a kitten who seems exactly like her. But that is not an option as Hubby really(!) doesn't want another pet. I've been through this before with two of my dogs and I know the grief eventually goes away but the love and affection stay. It will just take a little while to get to that part.

I've been fighting two of my major stress relievers. Eating tons of junk food and shopping for pleasure are so appealing to me when I'm emotional. At first I had to remind myself that food is not a cure for grief nor is it a shoulder to cry on. Food is simply fuel for our bodies. That was difficult to think about when all I wanted to do was crawl into a box of donuts.
And I've been trying my best to stay out of any store unless I have a need to buy something specific. We have too much clutter already and I would like to see our stagnant checking account numbers rise.

So far this week I have shopped at Aldi and spent $11 on staples and snacks for preschool. Yesterday I succumbed to my desire to shop and went into a new Dollar Tree. I spent $27 on toys for my kids, party favors, and groceries. This particular store has a small freezer section. I found a big bag of Green Giant white shoepeg corn and a bag of frozen blueberries. I'll go back again when I need to grocery shop.

As far as the pantry challenge goes I am committed to finishing the month and going into February. My in-laws will be here on the 10th so I will have to shop for them. Even though I didn't stick to just eating from my pantry I think I did a pretty good job of eating from our pantry so far. I think we've saved money.

Breakfast- veggie sausages and banana slices
Lunch- Soup, cheese and crackers for me and little guy. Hubby has leftovers. Big Girl is buying today (cheese pizza day)
Dinner- Pickle burger using old homemade pickles, a box of augratin potatoes I found in the pantry, green beans from the freezer, french bread that's in the bread machine right now. A chocolate pudding pie using things I found in the pantry.

A Sad Attempt at a Eulogy for my Grandma

I can't even be close to concise, eloquent and thorough in this brief blog where I'm borrowing internet at a Panera at the cost of one small cup of coffee and a chocolate chip 'muffie' for the Little Guy. This is my sad attempt at combining sorrow, brevity and profundity. Underline the word sad- twice.

What can I say about my only Grandparent that will sum up the 35 years of memories, sadness, and even a strange elation for her that she gets to see those who've gone before her and her pain is gone?
My Grandma (Gram to her family) was so loved. She was cantankerous with a gentle voice. She was vain without being obnoxious or even annoying. She whined when she needed to and often guilted when she thought it was necessary. She was silly and sweet, and giving to those she loved. And there were many of us that she loved. She worked hard to save so she'd have something to leave her family and have a nice funeral.
If you weren't family then you had to prove yourself trustworthy first which was a bit more daunting for those people who were romantically linked to her loved ones.

Reading over this it just seems like a lame list of vague personality traits. It doesn't show you the drawers stuffed full of every scrap and scribble of memento she'd ever received from a child or a grandchild. You don't see the pantry chock full of outdated food that no one could throw away because, "It's still perfectly good and we might need it someday." You haven't heard the chuckle in my mother's voice as she tells the story of the time my Grandma killed a groundhog that had gotten in the chicken coop and served it proudly for dinner. Even though no one thought it was tasty my Grandma gobbled it down with proud glee having both solved a pest problem and procured a free dinner for her family.
A child of the depression my Grandma was ever thrifty and resourceful. I loved to listen to her talk about making jelly out of watermelon rind and turning trash into food. I loved that she occasionally drank her Sanka out of a bowl instead of a cup and that she would make me hot chocolate on the stove with real milk that sometimes developed a slimy skin on the top. To this day I prefer my chocolate milk with a slightly scalded taste and I relish the memories of my burned tongue as I could not wait until it cooled to drink it.

Now that we are facing such scary economic times I know I will miss being able to pick her brain for ideas. I will miss the sight of her folded crochet project set in the corner by her rocking chair. I know I will have a thousand questions to ask her in the next few years. I know that there will be times when I slip and forget that she's gone and remembering will be a small shock. I will miss her- so much.