My Gazingus Pin, My Weakness, My Love- Lip Stick

I blogged about my gazingus pins in 2010 when I acknowledged that acquiring lip products was a problem for me. 

Lipstick is a quick pick me up.  In less than five seconds I can slick on some lip goo and feel better.  It always perks me up.  So, when I started my makeup buying hiatus last month I knew it would be hard to quit buying more and it has been. 

But, I'm also noticing a trigger.  I have a close family member who is not behaving responsibly lately and is doing some very destructive behaviors.  In fact, they have told me that they can't help themselves and have hinted at me helping them or taking care of them.  Which would be all fine and good if it was give and take relationship but I know for a fact how draining this person can be on one's patience, resources and well, everything.  I can't do anything but tell them how I feel and warn them that I am not their soft place to fall and they need to stand on their own two feet.  I have my own family and I can't borrow their problems and I don't need another child.  Especially a grown one who will suck the life out of me.  I can't say more about it than that.  I know worrying will do nothing to help them or me.  And I feel incredibly helpless. 

This week was a worrisome week.  I ate more crap that I should.  I bought two lipsticks.  I can't fix them but I can have pretty lips.  I can't make them be a grown up but boy will that chocolate make me feel good for five seconds. 

I'm putting a rubber band around my credit card so I have a reminder when I go shopping.  I don't want to numb myself with consumption and candy.  I need to find a healthier way to deal with my own issues- especially since I can't solve other's.

That 24 cent clearance lipstick that I rationalized buying because it was so cheap is still in it's package.  I'm going to pass it on to someone else.

Stress is the Visitor Who Won't Leave

We closed on our new house yesterday.  I woke up with dread thinking about how I now have two mortgages.  Yes, I know we need to get our house on the market like yesterday. 
We planned the slow move on purpose but, it still makes me itchy. 

Hubby's Grandma passed yesterday.  She was a sweet lady.  She was always thinking of others before she thought of herself.  I'm glad her pain is over but I feel so bad for my husband's family.  She was much beloved and will be missed.  

I've been trying to homeschool the kids for about an hour everyday to help get them ready for the next school year.  I worry that I am not doing it well.  I've been concentrating too much on one area of concern for each kid.  I need a better lesson plan.  I need to branch out.  And also, I wonder how I can fit more school time into our craziness when we're supposed to be moving- well, like right now.  I'm supposed to be packing the car.  And driving an hour to the new house.  With the kids in tow. 

I guess I should get started then.

When Life Gives Me Lemons I Should Not

Shop online for stuff we don't really need. Even if I have a coupon. Even if I love getting boxes of goodies on my porch.

Eat fast food for lunch every other day. Even if I don't feel like cooking.

Surf petfinder looking for super cute adoptable dogs. Even if they need homes.

Stop seeing and talking to people. Even if it's hard to put on a smile.

The Parenting Files: Don't Tell Me Who I Am. I Don't Even Know That Yet.

You know those days from hell where you would give anything for a rewind button? Last Saturday was one of those for me. Lest I turn this into a whine fest I'll just say days of single parenting plus five hours on a train with a head cold, a cooped up and hyper 5 and 8 year old and less than friendly fellow passengers is not an ideal situation for me. It turns out being on a train with me and my two children was less than ideal for the jerk guy next to me too. With less than 20 minutes to go to our destination he decided to yell at my kids and talk loudly about us to the person behind him. I should have left well enough alone. I should have ignored him. But, I didn't. I know it's best to always turn the other cheek but doing that has never left me feeling good about myself. I confronted him and we got into an argument which left me quizzing him on his childish behavior and him telling me I was a bad parent. No one won. And I have been upset by it ever since.

Since I've been a Mom I've noticed that people love to critique how you're doing. Just off the top of my head I can think of three distinct times that complete strangers have either praised me or chastised me for my parenting. Really? Unless I'm beating my children in public, is it any of your business? And what makes you think that one moment in a particular day is the complete example of how my parenting is 24/7. I wonder what would happen if I were a man. I know all of my friends are amazed that my husband interacts with my kids, takes them places alone, and coaches their soccer teams. He's their parent and not a babysitter.

The bottom line is that if that man had actually talked to me and asked me to either move or try to keep them quieter I would have gladly done so and apologized. His inability to be polite to me and rude to my children brought out the worst in me. And neither one of us is the better for it.

As for being a bad or good parent, I guess it all depends on what your guidelines are. My children are well loved, well fed, and have plenty of what they need and more than enough of what they want. But, have you ever met anyone who didn't have some complaint about something their parents did wrong? This is child rearing. No one gets out unscathed.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Plato

Where I Quit Bothering With Bothering

Showering, paying serious attention to housework, doing any major parenting jobs.... pfflllllptttt.

I am in a small pit. Not really despairing. Mostly trying not to think about stuff by not doing stuff.

Any minute now I will jump off of this couch and start a load of laundry and make food for the kids. Any minute now.

Leave a Message at the Beep.

Wow have I been preoccupied. You should see my answering machine messages- 24 blinking messages. Don't worry though, I scanned to see if anything was important.

I'm at a crossroads here and something has gotta change soon. My youngest will be in Kindergarten in the fall and it has me realigning my whole perspective on what my role is/should be now.
And I'm torn with thoughts of wondering whether it has been worth it to be out of the work force for ten years so my kids wouldn't be in day care. I'm nervous at the idea of trying to find another job with a serious time lapse in my resume. Who am I and what am I good for? Should I go back to school? Should I stay home because we can afford it? How come I'm really starting to hate my house and want to move?


When I went away to college at 18 I thought I was going to be a poet. I don't remember the last poem I wrote. I don't even know if I like poetry anymore. It seems frivolous when I'm thinking about the load of laundry in the dryer, the weeds in the garden, the stains on the carpet, when I have to pick up kids from school, and when our next dentist appointment will be. Nothing in my life seems poetic anymore. Who wants to read a poem about matching socks together or scrubbing out the sticky stuff from the sink?

I am blessed beyond measure and reason and yet when I think of that hopeful, shiny faced teenager that I was, I wonder how proud I would be of whom I've become.
This is a small part of the inner turmoil that's been going on in there.

Too Tired To Blog- No, Really

My Dr. recently changed my prescription to a new pill with an annoying little side effect- sleepiness. As a result, I would be more than happy to spend 20 hours snoozing away in my bed and still want a nap when I woke up. The only other time I've been this tired is when I was in my first trimester of pregnancy and couldn't keep my eyes open past 8 pm.

This is my favorite season, and normally by this time I'd be knee deep in dirt and seeds trying to grow flowers and veggies.
This nagging little side effect is supposed to go away once you get used to the pill. I'm waiting patiently. Yawn.

Does it make sense?

It's 20 degrees outside. Yet I get so hot in my car with my coat and gloves on, my seat warmer on, and my heater on that I order an iced drink.

Dear Starbucks,
I'm glad I'm not addicted to you because it was almost $5 for a venti iced drink.
Merry Christmas!

Randomness

I went ahead and ordered drugstore stuff online since the shipping was free. One more reason to stay out of any "marts" until January. And I went thru ebates to get my little $1.25 back.

This evening Big Girl had a soccer game and afterwards I ran thru Save-A-Lot to get a few groceries. When we got home my Mom had made dinner from stuff I didn't remember we had in our pantry. This was awesome because:
1. Yay! I didn't have to make dinner.
2. We ate up stuff we had.
3. Since I bought it, it was stuff I wanted to eat.
Win, Win, Win.
And also, she and Little Guy had made peanut butter cookies. Love you, Mom.

I'm really turned off lately by bloggers that have turned their blogs into money making opportunities and little else. I really don't want to read blogs about things I could buy at Walmart or hear about special trips people got to take to schill something for a company. It's a rant I know. I appreciate people trying to make a living from their blogs but I feel like I'm reading a commercial. Also, if you tell me to sign up for something because you'll get $$$ out of the deal, chances are that if I do sign up for it I'll do it without using your link. Not that I'm against people making money but to me that seems like asking someone out to lunch and then using a 2 for 1 coupon and making the other person pay for their portion. Greed stinks.

Why???????

Why will my boy child refuse to eat good homemade food I've made and happily eat from a loaf of old bread that I've thrown in the trash?

Food waste seems to occur with sickness or busyness around here.

The Temporary Happiness of Acquiring.

I love to shop. I love the idea of hunting for a that gem of a bargain that seems like will fulfill a grand purpose. Problem- I don't really love paying for shopping, taking care of more stuff and acquiring more stuff. I don't have room for anymore stuff. And what's more is that I want space more than I want things in my space. It's two warring halves of my personality. Minimalist desires mixed with the relentless drive to acquire and consume and it doesn't work very well.

I love the shopping but not the acquiring anymore. I don't feel joy anymore just the nagging drive to find things. Quitting shopping is like dieting. You can't really stop buying things forever anymore than you can stop eating. I'm always going to need something- toilet paper, socks, scotch tape, etc. just like I'm always going to need to eat. I just have to adjust my thinking on how I go about both of those things. And that is where I am right now. Struggling to change lifelong habits of shopping and eating.

I feel quite torn lately and I'm not having an easy time of it. So, right now I'm stalled.
And that's where I am right now.

Win Some- Lose Some

The Winning-


Blessings like roof over head, food in bellies, warm places to sleep
Working on our bedroom makeover. Hubby hung the curtains and rods I bought 4! years ago.
My Mom is here and she's helping out a lot with rearranging and cleaning. Heart You Mom!
Everyone is relatively healthy.

The Losing-

Soccer Camp for Big Girl is Monday-Friday 6-9 so I don't see her or Hubby much at night.
Hubby and I have been really snarly with each other because of the busyness and the chores we need to get done
I am failing a bit at weight watchers this week and don't even feel like writing in my points today.
I have a daily nagging head ache. No, really. I get the same headache every day. I need to make a Dr. appointment.
I have not stuck to my clothing compact. I'm not going to whine or justify. But, I haven't.

Next week I plan on starting over. Fresh bread. Frugal green lifestyle. Cleaner Home. Smaller Butt. Next week I'll get right on it.

There comes a point when you have to say no to a bargain

I just deleted a Walgreens add for bogo vitamins. Just willy nilly. A year ago I would have jumped up to look through my coupon file for vitamin coupons. Not today. Now my coupon file is pretty thin since I stopped getting the paper (too much clutter). And my basement is full of things I got free or dirt cheap and stockpiled for use someday. Someday is here.

I haven't completely given up shopping (note last Saturdays small garage sale haul) but it is definitely losing some of it's allure as I pile up things to sell and catalog what we have stored.

We had at least 20 bottles of shampoo alone under our bathroom sink. We use up a bottle about every two months. I'm probably going to donate a few of them. I'm tired of taking care of all of the bargains I've scooped up. I wonder if it's worth constantly trying to spend little to nothing on something we don't need right now.

If I got any lazier today I think moss might start growing on me.

It's 2:30.

I haven't showered yet. The little Guy is still in his jammies. I got up this morning and got Big Girl out the door and laid back on the couch to read. I've had nausea, an upset stomach, and a mild headache for two days. Blech.

Little Guy has been content to snuggle and eat whatever quickie thing I make for him. I chopped up a bunch of potatoes and some onion and put tomato sauce, seasoning, and butter on them and stuck them in the crock pot on high. I might even get crazy and start a load of laundry.

I think I'll shower before Big Girl gets home.

Must dash. I'm incredibly busy today.

Sucked in by The FaceBook/Farmville demon

There are short bouts of determined cleaning in the long hours of Facebooking and Farmvilling.

I know where all my time is going and I hope it ends soon. I'd rather have a clean house than a pretty virtual farm. Thank God for my children being well behaved and playing well together lately. They are so cute together. Of course, I need to follow behind them picking up their discarded messes but whatever.

Ok, putting the computer up and going to change sheets on the beds.

Hubby turns 39 today! I managed to bake him a cake yesterday in between harvesting and collecting. He's helping me clean today and we're going on a date tonight for his birthday.
Love you Hubby!

Too Much in too short a time.

It really hits home to me whenever a loved one dies how short a time we have on this earth. I have found myself contemplating what's the meaning of all this pain and how it seems like we are just born to die. Fortunately I don't have a lot of time to ruminate on these melancholy thoughts. I have two birthday parties to throw, a funeral to attend, and a long car trip to plan.

I have discovered a profound distaste for the predatory nature and greed of the funeral home business. It is too late to undo what has been planned for my Dad but I know what I will not be doing when it the planning is up to me. I won't be buying a casket for 4 Grand when I can buy the same one online from Costco for 924.99 (this is the same one we bought for my Grandma from the overpriced funeral home). In fact I will do my best to skip using a funeral planning business at all costs. Grief is not a good reason to make stupid spending decisions and I don't believe you can't plan a nice funeral yourself.

My husband and I have also decided it was time to inter our baby boy's ashes after nine years of holding onto them, unsure of what to do. I priced the wooden urns at the funeral home and ending up buying a nicer one from a seller on ebay for half the price. He will be buried by my father in a few months and we'll pick a simple headstone.

So this is the month full of death and birthday celebrations. Life goes on even after death comes knocking. Today my precious daughter is 7 years old. Today my father is being cremated.
I've got to keep my feet moving forward.

Wherein I humbly take my chill pill.

Last evening was not fun for me or anyone around me. Today has been better. I packed and mailed two packages, did the grocery shopping at Aldi, dropped in on my son's Christmas party at preschool, and took care of cards/tokens for the mail carrier, recycling guys, and waste haulers.

There are still things I need to do:

Assemble gifts for the neighbors (flavored teas and baked goods in a bag)
Finish my Christmas cards
Wrap presents for the kids
Finish Christmas baking (sugar cookie cut outs and gingerbread bars at the least.
Plan and shop for our Christmas menu as my family is coming here.

But it's coming together and the poor me Christmas martyr shtick is over. Yay!

Just Rants.

The applesauce bread I made for Hubby to take to work tomorrow tastes off. Too much clove?

We ended up buying a fairly expensive Christmas present for our daughter even though we didn't plan on it. It started with a $15 thing that Michael's didn't have in stock to reading reviews and going with the best one. $$. Sigh.

What do you do when your library and paperbackswap do not have the books you want to read right now? This has been occurring more and more lately and I'm getting frustrated.

How do I keep from getting my feelings hurt when I show my child the gift I've assembled for HER teacher and she shrugs then angrily and sloppily signs the card? I had a talk with her about how I thought that was hurtful and disrespectful but it still stings.

My Christmas spirit, generosity, and general merriness are taking a hit as my children fight, my Christmas to-do grows, and I feel like the only one responsible for my family's happy Christmas. And I'm the one doing all the work.
The trash men, the mail carrier, the recycling haulers still need to be carded or gifted. I haven't boxed or mailed the Christmas presents for Hubby's side of the family.

I need prayer, quiet time, and a bit of joy.

Perhaps I should round up my unruly, mess making children and take them for a drive to look at Christmas lights and listen to the Christmas radio station.

Extracts of the Season.

Guess who forgot to put away the big bottle of pure vanilla extract after making Christmas treats yesterday?

And Guess what little boy thought that it looked and smelled like something yummy- took one sip and then dumped the whole thing in the recycling bin?


Here's the bright side-

It wasn't a toxic chemical.

I still have a pantry with lots of extracts and perhaps even a bottle of imitation vanilla in there somewhere. So, onward with the Christmas cookie baking.


I bet his breath smells like a vanilla wafer too. Better go get a hug from my favorite little stinker.

Christmas Shopping Confessional.

All I have left to do for Christmas shopping is get two gift cards and maybe a box of cookies for the library ladies who are so helpful each week.

So, I was feeling a little relaxed when I popped into JcPenney to return a pair of ill fitting jeans.
And then I passed the rack of sale Big and Tall shirts for Hubby. I picked up a nice work shirt for him. Hmm, I could use a new sweater for the holidays.

Anyhoo, I ended up with two sweaters for me and a new shirt for him and I spent $60. Do you know what I could do with $60 in the Goodwill? I am tempted to have Hubby return my purchases and take half of that to the thrift store to find replacements.

The piped in Christmas music and the people with their piles of gifts weighing their arms down all conspired against me. Oh how easy it is to tell ourselves, "I deserve it. I am worth it. It's only a few dollars. It's on sale."

And (sigh) I didn't even have a ubiquitous JcPenney coupon to save a few dollars. I hope I like those sweaters.